


Defining Pissy

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-22
Updated: 2006-03-22
Packaged: 2019-02-02 15:07:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12728964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Daniel's plans for Jack are rudely interrupted.





	Defining Pissy

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

PISSY. What would the exact dictionary definition be for pissy? Colonel Jack O'Neill found himself wondering that very thing as he headed for the Cheyenne Mountain Complex. Have to make sure I look that up when I get near a dictionary he thought. Jack was certain it would probably have some reference to a certain archeologist of his acquaintance. In fact, if one needed a visual definition one had to look no further than the passenger side of Jack's jeep. With a covert glance to the right Jack was able to immediately assess the mood of his friend and lover.

Thrump thrump thrump. Daniel's long slender fingers drummed angrily against the interior of the jeep door. Once again the military had shone what wonderful timing it had by interrupting what had promised to be a marathon session of togetherness between Jack and himself. Daniel had planned the entire day right down to the mocha flavored ice-cream he had planned to spread wantonly over every inch of Jack's body. Didn't anyone understand that after a week of separate missions Daniel needed to touch and taste every inch of Jack?! He had missed him so badly it had turned into an actual physical ache for the man, and now instead of indulging himself in all that was Jack he was instead on his way back to the mountain for God knows what reason.

"Daniel..."

"Jack."

Jack inwardly winced as he was subjected to a cool stare from those azure blue to kill for eyes. Daniel's whole demeanor reeked of supreme irritation. Irritation that Jack couldn't help but hope was not directed wholly at him. Jack understood Daniel's frustration with all things military but damn it, after five years of working for the government in a military capacity he should realize by now how the game was played.

"You do realize that orders are orders don't you?"

A verbal snort from the passenger side was the only response he got. Yup. Definitely pissy. Gonna have to give the boy a very wide berth for the rest of the day if at all possible. If he were at all lucky Daniel wouldn't even ask why they were being recalled until the briefing and then the unenviable task of disclosing what was so important would fall on Hammond's shoulders.

"So, what was so damned important that we had to drop everything?" Daniel's voice dripped with sarcasm as he leveled and icy glare in Jack's direction.

Crap. He couldn't just wait could he? Just for once couldn't Daniel have waited to hear from the top what Jack was dreading telling him? No, if he had then that wouldn't be Daniel. Okay O'Neill, you can handle this, steel yourself, get ready, go.

"Do you remember the foothold simulation SG 2 was scheduled to carry out with the new marine recruits today? Well, it seems that General Preston has taken a vested interest in the training of these new recruits."

"And?" Questioned the deceivingly soft voice, which was now accompanied by the drumming fingertips and a nervous bouncing of a very tense leg.

This is so not good thought Jack. There was no way that he could explain this that was not going to result in a Jackson meltdown of astronomical proportions. Best to just get it over with and hope that the remaining four miles would allow Daniel to vent enough to be civil for the briefing yet to come.

"General Preston has requested that SG 1 be a part of the simulation rather than SG 2 and Hammond has agreed."

Dead silence.

"Preston and Hammond go way back and Preston feels that his premier team of recruits should go up against Hammond's premier group. That means SG 1 Daniel and we are to meet in the briefing room to go over the details of the simulation." There. It was out. Bring on the fireworks. Jack risked a glance to prepare himself for the onslaught to come.

"You mean to tell me, we're reporting for duty not to solve some life threatening emergency but rather to take part in some macho military pissing contest between two generals!" shouted Daniel looking at Jack in disbelief. 

"That would be affirmative Daniel."

As Jack had surmised Daniel had needed the four miles to come to terms with this newly acquired information. In fact, Jack had been treated to a venting session in at least 10 different languages with English not being one of them. Thank God for small favors.

Jack and Daniel entered the briefing room and took their respective places beside Carter and Teal'c. Across the table were Preston's four recruits. Jack quietly watched, as the recruits not so subtly assessed his team. He could tell immediately what they had surmised. Teal'c, Major Carter, and himself would be formidable opponents. Daniel they thought was a non-issue. He was a civilian consultant after all, not military trained. He was the weak link. If Daniel was aware of the subtle but obvious dismissal he gave no sign. Jack had a strange sense of deja vu. This was startlingly similar to the training exercise SG 1 had had with Lt. Elliot and his team. They had all the posturing so common to military trainees- smug sure confidence. Youth was on their side. Jack found himself thinking back to his years as a raw recruit. Had he been that cocky and self assured? It seemed such a lifetime ago. Time he unconsciously termed his pre-Daniel age. Things were definitely more black and white then, no gray areas. Having Daniel in one's life definitely added gray areas. Jack interrupted an unconscious run of his fingers through his hair as Generals Hammond and Preston entered the room.

"General Preston I'd like you to meet the members of SG 1. Colonel O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, Doctor Jackson, and Teal'c. They are the first contact team for the SGC." Said Hammond in a boastful tone.

General Preston then took the time to introduce his team, which were the top four graduates of this year's class at the academy. All four had the rank of Lieutenant but for the simulation to take place Lt. Meyers was heading the group. The rest of the team consisted of Lts. Benson, Nelson, and Torrance. Once the introductions were concluded the briefing continued with the outline of the coming simulation. SG1 was to attempt to gain access to a mock stargate housed on an abandoned training site unfamiliar to both teams. Preston's recruits were to defend their possession of said stargate with the simulation ending only with the complete capture or incapacitation of one of the teams. 

Daniel had spent the entire briefing vaguely listening to the outline of what was to come. It did not seem to vary much from other sims he had been a part of so he gave it only half of his attention. The other half was spent casting swift appraising glances at the opposing team. Great! I have to rearrange my whole day to play war games with Larry, Moe, Curly, and Shemp! Could this day get any worse he thought? Contrary to Jack's belief Daniel knew full well what the other team was thinking regarding his battle skills and he immediately began formulating a plan that would get both Jack and himself into the bedroom as quickly as possible. If he played his cards right they could be done by late afternoon and that would give him plenty of time to have his way with his favorite colonel. He was not all together sure that his plan would match Jack's put he would just have to cross that bridge when he came to it.

Having concluded the briefing General Hammond dismissed both teams with Preston's team being given an hour head start to set up defenses. Jack and the rest of SG 1 headed for the gear up room to obtain the stun guns and vests used in training simulations. The guns acted much like a zat gun but with less bite and no side effects. The vests were simply harness type straps of canvas with white circular targets in the center. The vests were lightweight and open allowing the wearer to be free of any bulk or restrictions.

That went much better than expected Jack thought as they secured the sim vests over their regulation style shirts. Daniel had remained silent and composed during the briefing. Maybe he's come to grips with everything. Jack's hopes were dashed rather quickly as he heard Daniel and Teal'c discussing Preston's team.

"What would your plan of attack be Teal'c, when faced with individuals that have the IQ of a soil sample or small soap dish at best?" asked Daniel.

"I am unsure DanielJackson as I was not aware that soil samples or soap dishes were sentient beings," replied Teal'c in his usual stoic manner. "Would it not be best to defer to Colonel O'Neill as to our plan to gain possession of the stargate? He may have more experience with such matters."

Was that a slam? Jack looked up just to see Carter quicken her pace and unsuccessfully try to disguise a laugh as a cough. Teal'c remained expressionless as always and Daniel had a distinct snarky smile on his face. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! How in the world was he going to make it through this exercise and keep control of one pissy undersexed archeologist at the same time? 

Exactly one hour later found SG 1 lying flat on a hill attempting a visual recon of the area. Jack was scanning the large warehouse like building as Teal'c and Carter were stealthily making their way toward a copse of trees located directly behind said warehouse in search of cover. Daniel, on the other hand was positioned at Jack's left side seemingly intent on making Jack's life miserable.

"You do realize Jack that at this very moment I could be slathering various parts of you body with whipped cream don't you? Lazily licking it off while I feed you those large red grapes that you so love."

"Daniel knock it off!" Jack harshly whispered. Winning this particular exercise was going to be hard enough without the distraction of thoughts like that running through his mind.

"...Sucking, and blowing as you feel wave after wave of tension course through your body" continued Daniel in the sultry voice he used only in the bedroom.

Any further conversation was interrupted by static from Jack's radio.

"Colonel."

"Go ahead Carter, what have you got?"

"There appears to be only one individual at the rear of the building sir. Teal'c and I are awaiting orders."

"Hang tight Carter until we get there. It looks as if our playmates expect a frontal attack. I can account for three individuals lurking around the entrance and the north window. Daniel and I will join you and Teal'c to decide who goes where. O'Neill out."

"Daniel, let's move."

No reply.

What? Is he sulking now thought Jack irritably? He turned to Daniel's last position only to find...nothing! Daniel was no longer beside him. In fact, Daniel was no longer anywhere near him. Jack swiftly scanned the area only to find his missing archeologist in the last place he wanted him.

Daniel had had enough. This was taking way too long! It was time for Operation Weak Link. If the Stooge Brothers assumed that he was going to be easy to capture than who was he to dispute that? He knew that Jack was not going to be happy about this latest development at all but that was too bad. He continued his cautious creep down the hill keeping his eyes on the building entrance where he knew Larry and Moe were stationed. As he sidled up to the nearest corner he slid his stun gun into his partially unbuttoned shirt. The white circular target on his sim vest neatly covered the opening and made it appear that Daniel was weaponless. Now, to make like a poor helpless civilian.

Daniel glided around the corner toward the window where the recruit he had dubbed Curly was stationed. He moved with a minimum of noise (just enough to make his approach known). Daniel figured he would have no more that three minutes after his capture before Jack would storm the building with the cavalry to rescue him. Time for an Oscar performance. Daniel crouched under the window and took three crab like steps to the door before he tripped over a long rusted pipe concealed in the overgrowth of grass and weeds. He felt his breath whoosh out of his body as he sprawled very ungracefully next to the entrance. Daniel had only a second to recover when a shadow fell over his face. He glanced up only to find himself looking at the business end of a stun gun. Larry motioned silently for him to get up and enter the warehouse. Daniel gave a short nervous laugh and shook his head slightly as if chastising himself. "Uhm I guess my sneak attack wasn't as sneaky as it should have been huh," Daniel stammered. 

Crap! This is so typically Daniel thought Jack. He had watched the entire scene from atop the hill. I guess we'll have to get in there and save his butt per usual. Actually, mused Jack, that probably wasn't a fair statement as it was a rare occurrence for Daniel to need actual rescuing but he wasn't in the frame of mind at present to be charitable. He reached for his radio to signal the troops. "Carter, come in."

"Here sir."

"Danny boy has been captured by the enemy. I want you and Teal'c to take the back and I'll try a frontal assault. Hopefully Daniel will have launched into some lecture regarding the cross pollenization of the Asgard and some long lost tribe of pygmies. That ought to daze them enough for us to swoop in save Daniel and secure the stargate. Let's move it kids, O'Neill out."

Larry, Moe, and Curly were presently looking at their cowering civilian captive. What a pitiful sight thought Lt. Benson aka Larry. What is the Air Force thinking allowing someone this inept to be a part of a first contact team. He wasn't even in possession of his weapon! His scorn was easily readable to anyone watching. "Looky looky guys. We done caught ourselves an ar kee all o gist" he snorted. "What should we do with him?"

Lt. Torrance offered up his opinion to his two comrades. "Archeologists dig in the dirt all day so I imagine this archeologist is mighty dirty. Maybe he needs a bath" he leered as he herded Daniel toward the center of the large facility.

Dutifully going with the flow Daniel allowed himself to be led closer to the stargate which was set up amid what looked to be piles of scrap metal and empty storage containers. Military recycling at it's best He was a bit confused by Torrance's suggestion until he saw that several of the open storage container contained water a by product of a massive hole in the roof of the long abandoned building. Great! The morons were obviously going to play "let's humiliate the civilian". His assumption was confirmed by a shove from one of the stun guns in his back.

"Hop in Dr. Jackson" chuckled Torrance.

Daniel looked at him aghast. "You can't be serious! Who knows what contamination is in that water". His protests only elicited laughter from his captors.

"It's that or we zat you. Your choice" smiled Meyers sweetly. He was really enjoying this. It would sure make a good story to tell his buddies back at the academy.

Daniel looked from one recruit to the other as he gingerly climbed into the container. Damn it's cold! The temperature was doing nothing for his mood and he was tiring quickly of the high testosterone level surrounding him. Macho Pricks he thought to himself. Any other vile thoughts he would have internally voiced were abruptly cut off as he found himself fully dunked under the water. He came up sputtering as the fourth member of the team came racing up.

"O'Neill and his team have breached the perimeter sir and are on their way here sir" stated Nelson slightly breathlessly.

All four men turned to confront the newest challenge with no thought to the soaked man standing in the waist deep water. Too late they realized their mistake when Daniel leaped out of the water with a yell firing a quick succession of shots dropping Nelson, Torrance, and Benson before they could even fire. Meyers managed to get a shot off that had Daniel dropping and rolling into a crouch before he too was dropped by the deadly aim of the dripping archeologist. Daniel gazed at the stunned men and calmly brought the gun to his lips and blew an imaginary puff of smoke away. A slight shuffling directed his attention to the rest of SG 1 who had bounded in as Daniel had dropped Lt. Meyers in his tracks. The sight that greeted him almost made this whole disastrous day worth it.

Carter and Jack looked like advertisements for Venus fly traps. Their mouths hung open in shock as their guns hung limply at their sides. One of Teal'c's eyebrows was ascending so far up his forehead that had he possessed hair it would have been completely hidden. The ever-surprising Daniel Jackson had once again pulled the proverbial rug out from under them with this latest display of agility.

Not wanting to loose the upper hand in this situation Daniel continued on the attack by grabbing Jack's shirtfront and snarling, "Let's go Jack! I have plans and you're my ride" in more ways than one he added to himself. Daniel pushed past Sam and Teal'c dragging Jack firmly behind him.

Struggling to keep up it suddenly came to Jack. When referring to Daniel the definition of pissy was "DANGEROUS WHEN WET!"


End file.
